Sunday, October 18, 2020

Waiting To Die

This past Friday I was sitting in my backyard, smoking some green to try and rest my mind before I went to sleep to quiet my anxiety and depressing over a lifetime of trauma and I came upon these two videos on the top of this post. The topic of such videos was over the “right to die” and why euthanasia should be a right for those who desire it. We all know that every human being has the right to live but why isn't it so that we should have the right to die. Imagine being diagnosed that you have news that you have terminal cancer but you know not how long you will live but you know that the cancer shall eventually kill you before you are even allowed to have grand children or even have children. Why shouldn't it be your right if you wish to have someone end your life in a way that you deem humane and fair to you as a human being. I am faced with similar questions myself as I was diagnosed with skin cancer about 5 weeks ago. I have begun treatment for it, but I would rather let the cancer end my life but my grandmother has revealed to me that I must attempt to try and live for her own sake and to try and make my life meaningful. These days I am also battling possible glaucoma in addition to my other health issues of diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression, anxiety, trauma, and manic depression. I know that eventually I will die from all of these myriads of conditions even as I have taken steps to reverse some of these conditions by losing over 80 pounds in the past 2 years. Still I long to leave this earth on my own terms and there is not a day that goes by that I do not contemplate dying by way of a lethal dose of fentanyl. That is I lace my pot with heroine and fentanyl with a small dosage of either one or both so that I can sleep at night on days that I have to work lots of hours just to stay away from a life of poverty. It is the sad reality of life here in America for so many people, we are literally a missed paycheck away from losing our very lives and of course our so called “leaders” would gladly let us die simply to profit from our suffering. For those who are also waiting to die, know that I understand your pain and your desire to leave this world. Yet we all know that if we actually kill ourselves, we will be trapped in a lifetime of hell for trying to free ourselves from the evils of this world called reality. Sure things could always be worse, especially if I go back on my psychiatric meds but then I wouldn't be able to laugh at people, compose music, compose poetry, and write topics such as this on my website. 

There is an eternal peace to dying, knowing that you have given your very best and that now that you have done so, you grant your soul the freedom to leave this earth in hopes that you are one of God's Elect. Of course, no one knows who will be one of His Elect, except that we have a hope in Christ and a hope that our words and works have led us down the path of salvation. That is why those of us who know about the evils of this world cannot simply kill ourselves but we ask others to grant us that right so that we can leave on our own terms. I would love to end my life with a lethal dose of fentanyl but I know that it will mean a lifetime in damnation so I merely take a small dose of the drug along with pot and heroine to grant me some form of temporary peace from a lifetime of trauma and pain so that I can sleep. I am hoping to die in my sleep as that would be a peaceful way to leave this earth, even at the “young” age of 34. I have actually died before for a few minutes when my coma of 3 days ended in August 2009 and I experienced the peace of death and being reunited with my grandmother if only temporarily. Yet she told me that it was not yet my time and that I still had work to do; I grew angry at her for making such a statement for she was denying me my peace but she told me that I was going to go to hell and we would never see each other again. I still refused to listen for almost 9 years until I decided to simply try and live by the values she taught me and now my life is slowly opening up. Still I desire to die, even as I know the permanent pain it will cause for others but I have always preferred to at least leave them with some positive things and memories to always remember me. That is why I am going to update my living will and leave my assets to those who I feel loved me the best and the way that I have long deserved to be loved. I am also buying life insurance and leaving it to the only person who ever loved me the way my grandmother loved me. When I told her this, she was surprised but I told her that since she met me on September 10, 2020, she has made me the centerpiece of her life and no one has ever done that for me. Eghosa simply takes the time to spend with me everyday no matter what is going on in her life and we have become best friends over the past few weeks. Maybe it is another sign from God to try and live a little longer and to try and fight off my various ailments for a chance to live out what is left of my life with the one woman who loves me the way that I deserve. I am hopeful but I am also cynical in my desires to die but I know that I cannot simply have someone end my life. Maybe others will be able to find that courage or way to do the same for themselves or have someone who truly loves them grant them that freedom. For in the end, everyone will go away which is why whenever I send someone a message I never expect to hear from them as no one makes me a priority in their lives. Such is the ways of this evil world and why there is a distinct amount of us who wish to be granted the right to die and are simply waiting for such a right to take root in this world.

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