Friday, October 2, 2020

In The End, Everyone Will Go Away

Today I was supposed to write about the seismic shift in politics that has been going on in America since March of this year but as I was driving down to Alief to do some errands, I was overcome with a lot of sadness and for the first time in almost 4 years and I ended up crying on the way back home to my newly bought home. I believe for the first time in a long time I realized all the emotional trauma that I have been through the past 2 years has finally caught up to me and I also realized for the first time in over 28 years, I actually really really missed having my grandmother around to help me out. When I was born back in 1986, there was much controversy over my birth because my father's family wanted to raise me with their parents as that was the Igbo tradition that the father's family raise the child of the first born but my mother insisted that her mother raise me. This was the best thing that was ever done for me as my grandmother raised me as her own child and taught me everything that makes me a special person. She taught me how to be compassionate, kind, giving, understanding, generous, selfless, how to hope, how to love unconditionally, and many of my other positive attributes. It wasn't until I was 6 years old that my life took a drastic turn for the worse as I was forced to leave the loving care of my beloved grandmother and move into my parent's house; that was when all the negative energy and trauma began. Imagine being moved out of a loving home where you were told each and every day how special and loved you are and all of your physical and emotional needs were met and now you are trapped inside a house of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to have given birth to you. This can cause permanent psychological trauma and it was the source of how I began to embrace nihility and nihilism at the age of 13 years old as I began to hope and plan for an end to this world.

No matter what happens, I know in my heart that whomever I meet, they will not be able to love me in the same manner that my grandmother did; a woman who always put my needs before herself is something that I have given up on. Which is why no matter who I meet, I already know that they will never be able to fill the enormous emotional void that my grandmother left when I was forced out of her home. Yet the Lord was able to redeem me after my grandmother passed away in 2011 and she entered my life spiritually when I was 29 years old and began to slowly mold my life back to the person that she wanted me to be. I fought it a long time as I became an atheist at the age of 15 but slowly I drifted inside and outside of the faith of Christ until I discovered the beauty of Christian Nihilism, a perfect rejection of the evils of this despicable world and in a renewed hope in the coming of Christ to purge this world of all the evil beings that have helped to corrupt the natural order of this world. It wasn't until this past September 10th that I actually met someone for the very first time who has given me hope that not ALL human beings are evil and someone who actually cares about my physical and emotional well being who also fits my needs and values. I found her while I was browsing on Instagram and I summoned up the courage to actually send her a message as she went to high school with 3 of my cousins and we started talking. She was so normal, kind, sweet, funny, and mostly importantly, she was generous with her time and wanted to talk to me and check in on me and make sure that I was physically and emotionally fine. I must remind people, NOT A SINGLE PERSON does this for me, not even my own biological family. I live a very lonely life with no friends and my so called family is absent from my life. I believe that this was a doing of how I was raised because I was not raised with my 3 sisters and I have no real bonds with my family at all and I proudly spend all of my time alone and working 75 hours a week in hopes that I die a death at a young age so that I can be reunited in heaven with my grandmother, the only person who ever loved me the way that I deserve to be loved.

Yet this beautiful girl, Eghosa, made me believe that real love and good people still exist in this evil, pathetic world and yet even with all of that hope there will be obstacles to overcome; none bigger than the fact that she lives in Nigeria and that she is low on money and needs help to refill her data so that we can continue to chat. I know that she is truly sincere and doesn't even want my help but I feel very guilty that I helped to cause her to lose her data even though I know that she uses her data to help sell her clothing business on Instagram. People must understand that Nigeria is truly a 3rd world shit hole where the people there prey upon each other. You have to buy data at a bundled rate and you have to pay for calls and texts at a price per quantity. There does not exist any kind of unlimited plans of any kind and the WIFI that exists there is practically nonexistent and quite slow. I do not wish to lose out on the one person who actually is there for me on an emotional level. Of course, if money is the problem, then the solution is rather simple because I was able to pick up a 3rd job as I need to replenish my funds about draining all of my savings and checking accounts on getting caught up on bills. I have promised that I will rectify all of this because I cannot afford to lose the one person who is there for me emotionally and I have already promised her that we will be together as I have made plans to visit Nigeria this December to see her. She will get her data refilled this weekend and we are still able to text internationally as I have international calls and texts as part of my Verizon plan and I plan to send her money next week as we move into the next stage of our relationship.

I believe that my crying earlier this day was due to the overwhelming loss I felt about losing someone who actually is there for me emotionally unlike anyone since my own grandmother and feeling that loss and trauma made me realize that I have physically missed my grandmother's presence since I was 6 years old. She told me that she never wanted me to leave her and she feared what would happen to me having to live with such African idiots but she also prayed for my safety and that I would not try to end my life because she knows that a lifetime of hell awaits me and I will not be reunited with her. Still, in the end, I expect all people I come across to never be able to love me in the same manner that my grandmother did which is why I always end up alone with a longing wish to die and leave this evil world, hopefully from some kind of terminal disease but God does not want that for me just yet. That is why he happened to give me Eghosa at this point of my life as I have been contemplating suicide yet again after undergoing another traumatic event of being homeless in a middle of a pandemic. She was there for me emotionally, always calling me to make sure that I was fine and she proved that she was a good friend, hell even a best friend for me when everyone has left me, she still called me, texted me, and waited for me while the rest of this evil world continues to bask in the sins of greed and gluttony all around them. I now have a new found hope but I must still guard myself with the inevitable realization that even this amazing person will ultimately go away despite my best efforts as that has been the story of my life since I was 6 years old.

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